Oh My God, They Killed Lenny!
by HackeySackVibe
Summary: After Bill's replacement is murdered, everyone seems to be a suspect and has a motive
1. Default Chapter

Oh My God, They Killed Lenny!  
  
A little Scream and Southpark combo  
  
Note: This is right after Bill's death, but they're still  
  
looking for a replacement for Bill.  
  
As Dave typed away at his laptop, he couldn't feel anything except nervous. What are you supposed to do when you're waiting for a replacement anyway? Dave stopped typing and looked at the picture of Bill he had sitting in his office and couldn't help but feel guilty. "I can't believe I'm actually going through with this," Dave said out loud. Then he heard an irritating knocking on his door that kept going on and on. "What, Matthew?!"  
  
"Hey, Dave. How's you know it was me," Matthew asked.  
  
"Just a guess. What do you want?"  
  
"I just wanted to let you know that that Lenny guy won't be showing up for the job."  
  
"Oh really. How do you know that," Dave asked annoyed, tapping his pencil on his desk.  
  
"Um… I heard Mr. James- I mean he told- you know what, Dave? Why don't you just take that stick of death and shove it up your ass!" Matthew took Dave's pencil and threw it out the office. Dave was starting to get angry with Matthew, but let it slide. He knew how Matthew felt about Bill and he didn't want to make Matthew feel bad. Just then, they heard a man groan and Beth screamed. Dave and Matthew ran out of the office. To their horror, they saw a man with a pencil stuck threw his forehead.  
  
"Oh my God," yelled Beth, "They killed Lenny!"  
  
"You bastard," screamed Jimmy.  
  
"Matthew, why did you have to go and kill Lenny? He was the only qualified man to do the job," said Dave.  
  
"I didn't mean to. I didn't know where I was throwing that stupid pencil!"  
  
"Hey, wait a minute," said Joe, "It couldn't of been Matthew."  
  
"Why not," asked Beth.  
  
"Well, we all know that Matthew is a wuss, right?"  
  
"Right," everyone said.  
  
"Well, I don't think that Matthew could have threw the pencil all the way across the room and have it impaled in Lenny's head. Dave, what kind of pencil did you have?"  
  
"I had an American Eagle pencil. Why?"  
  
"Well, this pencil's brand is U.S.A. Integrity. And we know that Matthew doesn't have any integrity," said Joe.  
  
"Right," everyone said.  
  
"Hey, wait a minute, Joe's right," said Beth, "and besides, Dave doesn't chew on his pencils, but this pencil has teeth marks all over it."  
  
"So this means, there's a killer in WNYX," said Jimmy.  
  
"I guess someone was mad that we were hiring a replacement for Bill. Dude, it could be anybody," said Joe. "Where's Lisa today?"  
  
"She stayed home sick today," said Dave.  
  
"Hmmm, that's a coincidence. Maybe a little too much of a coincidence," said Joe slyly.  
  
All of a sudden the electricity went out. Everyone screamed. Then they saw a ghost mask running around. Then somebody screamed again. Then the electricity went back on.  
  
"Is everyone all right," Dave asked. He looked around and to his terror, he saw Matthew lying face down on the floor with a pool of blood on the carpet.  
  
"Oh my God, they killed Matthew," screamed Dave.  
  
"You bastard," screamed Joe.  
  
"We have got to get out of here," Jimmy said shakily. They all ran to the elevator, but the buttons wouldn't work. So they all ran to the stairs, but the door was locked.  
  
"All right, I think I might know what's going on," said Joe, "this is just like that movie Scream. All we have to do is stick together and get to the phones." They all bunched up together and trailed to the phone. Dave picked it up, but there was no dial tone.  
  
"It's dead," he said. Then they heard the door open from the stairs.  
  
They all looked to see who it was.  
  
"What are YOU doing here," asked Beth. 


	2. Chapter 2

"I just came to get my purse because I left it in my desk last night. What's going on," asked Lisa.  
  
"I'll be asking the questions around here!" exclaimed Joe.  
  
"Shut up, Joe." said Dave.  
  
"Wait, don't close that-" the door slammed shut, "Never mind," said Joe.  
  
"You guys, what's going on? Why won't the door open? And-Oh my God, who killed Matthew?"  
  
"That's what we're trying to figure out," said Dave. After everyone explained what happened, Lisa said, "Those bastards!"  
  
"Dude, alright, "Joe started concocting, "What I've noticed in the Scream trilogy is that when there's a killer and someone looks one way, the killer runs past them behind them. So, when I count to 3, we all look behind us. Ready, 1...2...3!" Everyone looked behind them. But when they did, Dave looked behind again and saw someone in a white ghost mask run behind them. Everyone felt the wind the killer made.  
  
"Nice plan, Joe, "Dave said.  
  
"Man! I was sure that was gonna work. Wait, okay, I have another one. Whenever someone in Scream was going to go check something, they always made the other person stay in a certain spot to be "safe." But when they came back, the person that was supposedly "safe" was brutally murdered. Now, if we used someone to stay somewhere "safe", we could catch the killer before he actually does anything, "Joe said. "But who are we going to use? "Joe looked around for bait. He eyed Lisa for a while. "Lisa, I think we should use you."  
  
"Why me!?"  
  
"Cause you're a helpless, defenseless girl. That's a perfect target for a blood thirsty killer. Besides, if he does get you, we'll know it's not you, "Joe said.  
  
"Um, excuse me, I'm a girl, "Beth said.  
  
"Yeah, but that's different." Joe said.  
  
"And why is that?"  
  
"Cause you're like a bat out of hell or something. I wouldn't be surprised if you ended up killing the killer."  
  
"Then why don't you just let me be the bait?" Beth asked.  
  
"Dude, the killer would be too scared to go near you."  
  
Lisa reluctantly stood by the desk. Dubiously, Joe said "Okay, Lisa. You stay here-where it is safe. Me and the other guys are going to go look for help."  
  
Joe and the others ran behind the booth. Lisa stood there and waited, and waited...and waited. Nothing seemed to happen. As Joe looked over, he was quite confused.  
  
"Man, why isn't anything happening?"  
  
"Here let me see," Dave said.  
  
"Yeah, me too," Jimmy said. While the guys were looking over at Lisa, Lisa was quite bored standing there. Lisa waved up her arms in frustration.  
  
"All right, Joe. Nothing's happening. Let's find a real way to get out of here. Come on Beth-Oh my God! They killed Beth!" screamed Dave. While the guys looked over at Beth, they all saw someone in a ghost mask run from the booth.  
  
"Dude! He gets me every time!!! I can't believe he actually got to Beth!" cried Joe in frustration. "Now what are we gonna do?"  
  
"That bastard," Jimmy said.  
  
"At least that song 'School's out for Summer' isn't playing or else I would really start to wonder about this Scream thing."  
  
"You're a dork," said Dave.  
  
"How are we going to get out of here," asked Jimmy.  
  
"Maybe if we scream out the window or something, someone will come up and get us," said Joe.  
  
"Yeah, and if a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass every time he hopped," said Dave.  
  
"Dude, there's no need to be sarcastic," said Joe.  
  
"Well, since there's no other way to get out of here, what other movie analogies do you have for us, Joe?" asked Dave. "Cause I'm sure Scream isn't the only horror you've seen. What about that really bad movie Jennifer Love-um, oh, what was it? Jennifer Love Big T-", before Dave finished his sentence, Lisa cut him off.  
  
"I think he means Jennifer Love Hewitt. What was the plot in that one?"  
  
"Well, they threw this one dude in the water cause they thought he was dead, but then the following summer he came back and tried to kill all of her friends. But that movie was so unrealistic." Joe said. "Then there's Halloween. Man, that was a sweet movie! Michael Myers was this super human dude who killed everybody, but I highly doubt that this is the situation. I'm still stuck to the Scream motive."  
  
"Why Scream?" asked Dave.  
  
"Well, for one thing, the killer dude has been running around in a scream mask. That should tip you off." Joe said.  
  
"Joe, do you think you could refrain from your 'dudes?'" asked Dave.  
  
"Okay, then what's the other thing?" asked Lisa. There was a long silence.  
  
"I don't know, that's really all I have right now. But there was this set of rules in the movie that we had to abide by in order to survive. Rule number 1:You can never have sex-yeah right. Okay, rule number 2:You can never drink and do drugs. I know that everyone's drank before, but has anyone ever done drugs before? Show of hands? Anyone?" Joe asked.  
  
"Now, this rule, is it drink "and" do drugs, or drink "or" do drugs?" Lisa asked.  
  
"It's drink and do drugs. Why?" Joe asked.  
  
"I was just wondering if we had to do both those things to get on the list or something. Never mind. "Lisa said. Everyone kind of just stared at her.  
  
"Um, okay. Rule number 3:Never say I'll be right back, cause you won't be back." All of a sudden, there was a loud crash in the break room.  
  
"What the hell was that?" asked Jimmy.  
  
"I don't know, I'll be right back," Joe said as he ran into the break room.  
  
"If Jimmy and I aren't back in 5 minutes, wait longer. Come on, Mr. James." said Joe.  
  
"Okay, well, now what," asked Dave.  
  
"I don't know. Do you think it was such a good idea that Joe said 'I'll be right back?'" asked Lisa.  
  
"I don't know. I haven't really been paying attention to what Joe said. It's just that everything is a blur now. Us breaking up, Bill dying, and then all of sudden, we have this little charade in the office, you know?" Dave said.  
  
"Yeah, it's been pretty sad lonely with me too." There was an uncomfortable silence. "Dave?" asked Lisa.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I- well- I mean that, um." Lisa kept stumbling with her words.  
  
"Lisa, it's okay."  as Dave said that, he put his arms around Lisa, and hugged her. Then Lisa started crying.  
  
"We're gonna get through this, Lisa. You're a strong woman. And I'm sure Joe will catch 'that dude' I know for a fact that we'll get through this." Dave hugged Lisa. After they were done hugging and talking and all that mushy crap, they realized they had been waiting for well over 15 minutes.  
  
"I think we should go check on Joe and Mr. James," said Lisa.  
  
"Yeah, you're right."  
  
"You do realized they're probably dead."  
  
"Yeah…oh well, come on. Brace yourself. "said Dave. When Dave and Lisa ran into the break room, they were shocked to what they found. 


	3. Chapter 3

"I can't believe it," exclaimed Dave.  
  
"Dear God," said Lisa.  
  
There, sitting at the break room table was Joe, Jimmy, and a mysterious figure playing cards.  
  
"Bill, I thought you were dead," said Dave.  
  
"Didn't it come to mind that I would've faked my own death?" said Bill.  
  
"How could you have possibly pulled that off?" asked Lisa.  
  
"Oh, well you see, with Jimmy's money and Joe's, um...what was it you did again?" asked Bill as he turned to Joe.  
  
"Dude, I...whoa, what the hell did I do?" asked Joe.  
  
"Oh well, you're worthless to me now," said Bill as he pulled out his knife.  
  
"Bill! Wait a minute!!" yelled Lisa. "Why do you need to kill Joe?"  
  
"Don't try to confuse the issue with half-truthes and gorrilla dust!" Bill said as he stabbed Joe.  
  
"Dude, that hurt-" Joe said as he fell to the ground.  
  
"Oh my God, they killed Joe!" screamed Lisa.  
  
"You bastard!" said Dave.  
  
"Anyway, since Jimmy's a billionare, he was able to make a dummy with human flesh. That would be a good X-Files episode, wouldn't it?" said Bill.  
  
"Bill, that's not X-Files, that's Silence of the Lambs," said Dave.  
  
"Mr. James, why did you lie to us? How could you let Matthew, Joe, and Beth, your favorite employee, get slaughtered like that?" asked Lisa.  
  
"Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention-" Mr. James opened up the cupboards and Matthew and Beth jumped out.  
  
"Well, what about Joe?" asked Dave.  
  
"Oh, well, you see, I used the rubber knife to *pretend* to kill Joe.  
  
Joe, you can get up now." Bill said. Joe just laid there.  
  
"Joe, it's okay, we told them," said Bill. But still, there was no movement from Joe. Bill reached into his pocket and pulled out the knife.  
  
"Well that's kind of strange," said Bill.  
  
"What's kind of strange, Bill?" asked Lisa.  
  
"I could've swore that I put the real knife in my other pocket. Oh well." said Bill as he threw the knife down...and accidentally landed on his foot.  
  
"Holy Mother of Pearl!!!!!!!! CENSORED----------------------------", screamed Bill.  
  
"Bill, can I ask you something," asked Dave.  
  
"Yeah, but first-WILL YOU GET THIS THING OUT OF MY FOOT?????" exclaimed Bill.  
  
"Oh, sure," said Matthew as he got the right supplies out of the other cupboard. After they got the knife out and cleaned up the break room, Bill started to explain what was going on.  
  
"So the whole reason you did this 'fake-your-death' thing is so me and Lisa will get back together?" asked Dave in confusion.  
  
"Um, yes, exactly." said Bill.  
  
"Bill, you're one twisted fool, but your plan worked," said Lisa.  
  
"It did? How?" asked Beth.  
  
"Well, while Dave and I were waiting for Jimmy and Joe, we got to talking and decided to get back together if we got through this." said Lisa.  
  
"Awww, that's so cute! This is almost the perfect love story." said Jimmy.  
  
"Yeah, except without all the blood and...ghost mask, and knifes, and murders-" said Dave as he was cut off.  
  
"Alright, I get the point." said Jimmy.  
  
"Well, we'd better go clean up and get back to work," said Dave.  
  
"And plan Joe's funeral," said Lisa. When everyone walked out of the break room, Bill was about to leave when Jimmy stopped him.  
  
"Um, Bill. Tell me the *real* reason you did all this. I think you owe me that much... and 3 million dollars of course." said Jimmy.  
  
"Okay, have you seen that movie, Double Jeopardy? Well, I figured if I faked my own death, I could go and get rid of Linda without any worry about getting arrested."  
  
"Um, Bill. In Double Jeopardy, Ashley Judd got to kill her husband because according to the state he was already dead." said Jimmy.  
  
"Yeah, and?" said Bill.  
  
"Well, Bill, this means that Linda could kill *you* and get away with it. You got it mixed around there." said Jimmy. Bill just stood there.  
  
"I gotta make a phone call," said Bill.  
  
"Oh, that silly monkey," said Jimmy.  
  
The End 


End file.
